up in the woods.

New Chapters

A satin ribbon
ripped
from the pages
of a book we left unfinished
removes all evidence
of where we left off

I feel no regret
for the neglected chapters
the climax came too soon

It’s been months
and my bookshelf
once sparse
flourishes
with new stories
worthy of beginning
worthy of finishing

But our book still remains
in the same spot on my shelf
as a reminder

not every story has a happy ending
and some books
are better left
unfinished

Be careful what you wish for

New job.  New school.  New living arrangements.  New friends.  New lovers.  California in < 24 hours.

Nothing is the same.  Everything is changing.  I feel so fortunate.  I feel so overwhelmed.  I feel so different.

“Change is the essence of life.  Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.”

xo

^date!

I wrote a long post and then realized that I could sum up everything I was going to say in a few, simpler sentences.

I’m the happiest I have ever been.  Things are great.  This semester is just about over and I feel confident in the major I’ve chosen and my ability to continue my education and achieve what I want to achieve.  I got the position at Apple I have been working towards for almost two years.  I had to switch stores, which was hard, but I am so happy and it has exceeded my expectations.  I have met so many wonderful people lately, and become closer with the people that were already in my life.  I could not ask for better friends.

I am just full of smiles lately.

I gave him my heart but he wanted my soul

It ain’t no use to sit and wonder why, babe

even you don’t know by now

An’ it ain’t no use to sit and wonder why, babe

It’ll never do some how.

When your rooster crows at the break of dawn

Look out your window and I’ll be gone

You’re the reason I’m trav’lin’ on

Don’t think twice, it’s all right

It ain’t no use in turnin’ on your light, babe

That light I never knowed

An’ it ain’t no use in turnin’ on your light, babe

I’m on the dark side of the road

but I wish there was somethin’ you would do or say

To try and make me change my mind and stay

We never did too much talkin’ anyway

So don’t think twice, it’s all right

It ain’t no use in callin’ out my name, boy

Like you never done before

It ain’t no use in callin’ out my name, boy

I can’t hear you any more

I’m a-thinkin’ and a-wond’rin’ walkin’ down the road

I once loved a man, a child I’m told

I give him my heart but he wanted my soul

But don’t think twice, it’s all right

So long, Honey Babe

Where I’m bound, I can’t tell

But Goodbye’s too good a word, babe

So I’ll just say fare thee well

I ain’t sayin’ you treated me unkind

You could have done better but I don’t mind

You just kinda wasted my precious time

But don’t think twice, it’s all right

Spotless Mind

I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind again (and by again, I mean for the 4789th time) the other day and I felt like I was watching a completely different film.  I was never really able to relate to it until now.  I never knew what it was like to hurt so badly that I would be willing to erase my memory in order to lead a normal life again.  I am willing.  I wish it was real and possible, and I just want to go back to being able to go to places that I have always gone to without being flooded with memories and getting upset.  I just want to be brainwashed.

On a different note, I have a lot of stuff going on lately.  I applied to Rutgers and I am waiting to hear back.  I am excited and passionate about my major and I am ready to go back to “real” college and willing to put in the effort necessary to achieve what I want to out of my education.  I have an interview tomorrow for a company I really love, and a potential interview in the near future for a company I love and am already involved with.  I am most likely moving out this fall and I am just feeling like such a complete grown-up lately!  There are so many things changing and I am so scared and anxious and nervous and afraid.  I just want something definite in my life and it is becoming harder and harder to find anything that is.

In a nutshell, I am a mess but I am dealing with it.  I just need a hug and for someone to tell me that it is all going to be ok.  And I need to be willing to believe them when they say it.  I am so fortunate for everyone around me but stuck inside this frantic head of mine far too often!

loneliness

l(a

le
af

fa
ll
s)

one
l
iness

~E.E. Cummings

Emptying the Trash.

I just emptied my trash bin on my Mac for the first time in months. It was long overdue. At a certain point, I made the conscious decision to place chosen documents, songs, pictures, etc. in the trash, yet I postponed emptying it for months out of fear that perhaps something was misplaced. I would occasionally open up the trash, just to give myself confirmation that every item residing in that metal bin in my dock was there because it was no longer needed or wanted— yet, for some reason it was so hard to let go. The pop up message gets me every time— “Are you sure you want to permanently erase the items in the Trash? You can’t undo this action.” I can’t even count the number of times I pressed “Cancel” out of apprehension of the irreversible. But today I did it. I conquered the trash bin.

Why am I writing about this? Why would anyone in their right mind take the time out to type up a whole spiel pertaining to emptying the trash on their computer? Well, I am Eva. And most of what I post in my blog is an analogy of some sort— and ::surprise!~::, this is not an exception. Recently I’ve experienced what it’s like on the other side of the dock— I’ve felt what it’s like to be permanently erased and let me tell you it fucking sucks. But you know what? At least someone had the courage I lack to take the leap and dump me [out]. I’ve let so much go unattended for so long due to the reluctance I have of inadvertently losing something significant in my life. But truth be told, the longer I let my trash build up and linger in that cold, steel bin— the more rotten it gets.

So that’s my latest analogy. Perhaps I should think about non-work related things once and a while, eh?

On a final note: One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.

Holy Heartache

A satin ribbon

stitched

between the pages

marks his place

in the only book

that will ever come between us

I read Camus

my bookmark

is a gum wrapper

floating free

amongst the dog ears

and sticky notes

I reach for his hands

but they are clasped

together

I look into his eyes

but they are closed

He reads me a verse

I hear nothing

aside from the sigh

he lets out

when he notices

I am not listening

I fake a sneeze

just to hear his lover’s name

This poem is from last semester.  Make of it what you will, I find it more relevant now than I did then.  Thank you to everyone who has been so wonderful lately!  I am so fortunate for the support and love I have found from friends and family, it is irreplaceable.  Hope y’all enjoy the analogies~